I'll replace crack with something less annoying then, like poff... or BANG!
Yeah that'd set the mood... ^^
Its the only way of writing anything half decent. Id never become a writer, because I cant handle criticism well.
(before reading) You should have a website with a donation button and release beta versions of the book, like a literary version of Dwarf Fortress.
I'll take a look later, I'm out of other stuff to read anyways.
Yup, the cracks killed it for me too.
(after reading) Crack is a strong word, try using it for only noises comparable to a large tree branch breaking or louder. Lightning cracks; twigs do not crack. Jumping around in a forest tends to make more rustling sounds from leaves and thumping sounds from lack of leaves than snapping sounds from twigs. Only large animals that don't care about stealth make cracking sounds when moving through a forest.
I'd be wary of overusing sound words.
Last edited by Leonon; 10-03-2008 at 23:17.
Various spelling/punctuation errors, but otherwise good. I found it very interesting, although this part on page 4: “I will never die by the hands of you. You will receive the punishment for your crimes. You cannot be allowed to roam this world. You WILL die!” seems a bit cliche. Still, it was entertaining. Work on it a bit and it will be great.
Ok, this isn't a critique of the content so much as the technical aspects of your writing.
First off, giant wall of text = fail. Throw some paragraphs in there. You probably already have paragraphs in, but since there is no line break and no indentation, any bonus to the flow of your writing that they would normally provide is negated.
Second, you start sentences with pronouns (a, the, he, she, it, that, names, etc.) far too much. It gets annoying after a while. Makes your writing read like a list. Sometimes, excessive use of pronouns to begin sentences is fine and actually works, but it has to have a reason, and it has to be grade A stuff.
Those two things alone made the reading experience more trouble than it was worth for me.
Thanks for the feedback! I'll be posting an updated version of the text tomorrow based on what you all have said! Be sure to check in ^^
And here I though this was going to be a book, about the fantansy genre. and not fantasy book...
I stopped halfway through the first page. there is simply no mood, no ambiance. you just start of with a few short sentences about his weaponry and his damp harness. which does absolutely nothing for me. you always imo need to start with defining the mood of the environment, the mood of the characters, build atmosphere. and as always the lovely phrase; "Show, don't tell" just keep practising, keep reading, keep learning.