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Thread: Fantasy

  1. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by muppofmalice View Post
    Swish indeed I'll consider that you've said sofar and see if I can change anything ^^

    Was "crack" really that annoying?
    not really but if i'm going to say anything it might aswell be over the top.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sprite
    Your signature has been noted to be extraordinarily violent by several users, I agree. Please change it. =[

  2. #17

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    I'll replace crack with something less annoying then, like poff... or BANG!
    Yeah that'd set the mood... ^^

  3. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by Enerzeal View Post
    I read it. Its good the world "he" is used a little to much until Utasen gets his name. But all the same it had me hooked until the end. Give it a few reads over and probably change it in a few subtle ways, and you might have something there. As it stands, its pretty good for what I am asuming is a first draft.
    I read it and yeah, you're right :P It is kinda repepetive. You don't really notice these things in the same way when its you who have written them ^^ thanks!

  4. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spinewire View Post
    Not really.

    Mine has more colors.
    "The name's Musketeer. Pathos, the Musketeer"

  5. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by muppofmalice View Post
    First of, yes I know: the choice of forum might not be the best for this kind of request. But just press back if you feel that the forum-rage starts bubbling.

    It has come to pass that I've begun writing a book of the genre fantasy. After a while I figured hey, maybe what I write sucks. Therefore I'd like people who are interested to read a small text (in this case the prologue) and then tell me if it's good or bad, what they liked and what they didn't like, what I could do better etc.
    In other words, a small evaluation.

    I'll tell you a little about myself, if you care to read
    My main reason for writing is the feeling I myself get while sitting in front of a fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and good book.
    I'd like to give people the opportunity to just enjoy a well written book and forget about the world for a couple of minutes.

    I am much inspired by litterature (mainly Robert Jordans series), but also games such as Baldurs Gate. My ambition is to take the best of everything and mix it in one big bowl of cozyness.

    If you care to help you can find the prologue here:
    http://rapidshare.com/files/150619113/Prologue.doc.html

    You'll need Word to read it, making it a .txt document creates a total mess and it becomes annoying to read.
    tl;dr but the key to becoming a successful writer, well your already on the right track. Basically you have to get people to rip your work to shreds over and over, and over, and over, until you feel like killing yourself.

    Its the only way of writing anything half decent. Id never become a writer, because I cant handle criticism well.

  6. #21
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    (before reading) You should have a website with a donation button and release beta versions of the book, like a literary version of Dwarf Fortress.

  7. #22
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    I'll take a look later, I'm out of other stuff to read anyways.

  8. #23
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    Yup, the cracks killed it for me too.

    Join the Republic of Chaldor! Click on the signature!

    Quote Originally Posted by Viluin View Post
    I wish I could say I was <3 years old. The age of love and happiness.

  9. #24
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    (after reading) Crack is a strong word, try using it for only noises comparable to a large tree branch breaking or louder. Lightning cracks; twigs do not crack. Jumping around in a forest tends to make more rustling sounds from leaves and thumping sounds from lack of leaves than snapping sounds from twigs. Only large animals that don't care about stealth make cracking sounds when moving through a forest.

    I'd be wary of overusing sound words.
    Last edited by Leonon; 10-03-2008 at 23:17.

  10. #25
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    Various spelling/punctuation errors, but otherwise good. I found it very interesting, although this part on page 4: “I will never die by the hands of you. You will receive the punishment for your crimes. You cannot be allowed to roam this world. You WILL die!” seems a bit cliche. Still, it was entertaining. Work on it a bit and it will be great.
    Spoiler

  11. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by CTI259 View Post
    Various spelling/punctuation errors, but otherwise good. I found it very interesting, although this part on page 4: “I will never die by the hands of you. You will receive the punishment for your crimes. You cannot be allowed to roam this world. You WILL die!” seems a bit cliche. Still, it was entertaining. Work on it a bit and it will be great.
    Lawful Good dicks are such great characters to watch be lawful good dicks though.

    Asshole Paladin FTW


    (edit)muppofmalice, how realistic are you planning on making the story's world?
    Last edited by Leonon; 10-03-2008 at 23:33.

  12. #27
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    Ok, this isn't a critique of the content so much as the technical aspects of your writing.

    First off, giant wall of text = fail. Throw some paragraphs in there. You probably already have paragraphs in, but since there is no line break and no indentation, any bonus to the flow of your writing that they would normally provide is negated.

    Second, you start sentences with pronouns (a, the, he, she, it, that, names, etc.) far too much. It gets annoying after a while. Makes your writing read like a list. Sometimes, excessive use of pronouns to begin sentences is fine and actually works, but it has to have a reason, and it has to be grade A stuff.

    Those two things alone made the reading experience more trouble than it was worth for me.
    ~Greatness Incarnate~

  13. #28

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    Thanks for the feedback! I'll be posting an updated version of the text tomorrow based on what you all have said! Be sure to check in ^^

  14. #29
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    And here I though this was going to be a book, about the fantansy genre. and not fantasy book...

    I stopped halfway through the first page. there is simply no mood, no ambiance. you just start of with a few short sentences about his weaponry and his damp harness. which does absolutely nothing for me. you always imo need to start with defining the mood of the environment, the mood of the characters, build atmosphere. and as always the lovely phrase; "Show, don't tell" just keep practising, keep reading, keep learning.

  15. #30

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    Quote Originally Posted by Leonon View Post
    (edit)muppofmalice, how realistic are you planning on making the story's world?
    As realistic as any fantasy world would be ^^
    Well, excepting there'll be magic and stuff, very realistic I guess

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