So I’m not here to wow you with some steamy picture of my testicles flopping around because I fancy myself somewhat of a gentleman. On the other hand, I am not going to be modest by any means because quite frankly; you really can’t do much better than me. I mean seriously; you are on here now—either at work when you should be doing more important things or locked up in your bedroom with a face full of ice cream. I’m hip to your game so don’t try and bullshit a bullshitter.
So let’s get something out of the way—I’m not your first choice and you sure as shit aren’t mine, so please save me all your prose of entitlement. I get that you are a really unique person because we all are, but spare me your description of the world that your dad said you deserved. Respond with some decorum and tone down all those wonderful characteristics that have your last boyfriend not returning your desperate texts.
So me- I’m 20 and consider myself pretty good looking. The fact that I am on here pleading my case may suggest otherwise, but I think that you will be pleasantly surprised. I have a good job and a nice apartment. I like to travel---Actually now that I think about it; what asshole doesn’t like to travel? I think the Eagles are gay, so when they lose I won’t be slapping you in the face with a wing sauce-stained hand. This is a nice segue way into food; I don’t eat it. I get by mostly on rice cakes and laxatives. I run about 8 miles a day and have a rigorous work out regimen. So I am asking politely: if you are thinking to yourself, “I’m a little curvy”---you are, so don’t waste your time responding. Is me saying this appalling? Maybe. But so is the fact that you see nothing wrong with having jellybean milkshakes and putting on those jeans that exacerbate the calamity that is your ass.
You need not apply with previous suicide attempts or should you have any opiate dependencies. However, like I said, I prefer slimmer women, so if you use coke and smoke cigarettes, it’s really not that big of a deal—we all need a little help. Please be college educated and capable of holding conversations about things other than yourself. Please no children. If you are from Philly, don’t be from the northeast because as I mentioned, I would prefer it if you had a frontal lobe. And that was probably being redundant anyway because I said you can’t have opiate dependencies.
So if you think you can comply with this, please get back to me with a picture.
Hope to hear from you soon