I want to become hooked up with coding, but I'm bad at it. I can't program anything worthwhile.
I have no real programming experience; my only coding experience has been with some dos shell scripts and those graphing calculator proprietary programming languages that are kinda like BASIC. HTML too if it counts.
A person would tell me to start with something like VisualBasic or Java or C++ or C or Assembly (lol) or Perl or Ruby or Python or whatever, and then I get flamed and called a retard by someone else who tells me to start learning with another 'real' language, like Lisp or C# or Fortran or Pascal or whatever. I don't even know the real difference between any of them (except that assembly is 'low level' or something).
Can anyone sort me out with all the different languages? What do they mean, and which one should I learn first? I have a feeling either C++, Java, VBasic, or Python would be okay, but I want someone who knows this shit to help me so I don't fuck up my intuition and end up being a horrible programmer.