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  1. #1

    Default Worst possible date ... ever

    Anyways..,I met this girl in school and she gave me her number. Now, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

    Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.


    I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??

    http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/302/fuuu1.jpg


    So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!

    http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/9397/fuuuu2f.jpg


    So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

    As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.

    http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/8788/fuuuuuu.jpg
    http://img694.imageshack.us/img694/9241/fuuuu3.jpg

    I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

    http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/9594/fuuuu4.jpg


    I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....


    http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/8587/fuuu6.jpg


    At that point things get even worse...

    http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/9274/fuuu7.jpg


    The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....

    I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

    she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

    At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

    she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

    I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

    At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

    I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

    she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

    I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

    She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

    about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.


    All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

    to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

    This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

  2. #2
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    Eh, 5/10 because it's Christmas.

    Also Taken is on.

  3. #3
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    creative writing is not your forte..... move on

  4. #4
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    five stars

  5. #5
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    after 2 minutes of searching for bel air and avoiding pictures at all costs, i came up with nothing

    as a result my response will simply be TLDR

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kill Yourself View Post
    I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??
    The hillarious thing is this happens to me a lot when I wake up in the morning. I end up just having to shit, and then piss all over the floor and clean it up.
    Achiever 53.33%, Explorer 46.67%, Killer 66.67%, Socializer 33.33%
    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffington View Post
    A perfect metaphor for Forumfall. We are all a dog wearing a birthday hat with a cupcake calling it a muffin..

  7. #7
    Normal User alako's Avatar
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    lol my brother sent me a link to the forum thread that had that last night, can't remember the name of it but it had all the ms paint images there

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drool111 View Post
    The hillarious thing is this happens to me a lot when I wake up in the morning. I end up just having to shit, and then piss all over the floor and clean it up.
    rofl

    god damn you guys are mongoloids

    you shouldnt have an erection AND have to pee at the same time, unless you jjust finished having sex in which case you relieve both at the same time. in this case you should have taken a shit before having sex unless you are weird and doing some 2girl2590cups action.

    man why am i explaining this again?

    i honestly feel i am a different species than most of you

  9. #9

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    Am I the only one that is thankful this poor bastard didnt get an opportunity to breed? This was a cosmic event that saved us all imo.

  10. #10
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    Oh man, dude, I thought i did some fucking embarrassing stupid shit to girls I had interest in or they to me. But this beats it all, thank you for making me feel good.

  11. #11

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    If this story is in fact true, all I can say is epic lols >:

  12. #12

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    There was a story here not long ago about some guy having sex with his gf for the first time, and he needed to do a shit badly and he had this condition where his shit is practically solid, and while having sex she said "Do you like that?" and shoved a finger in his ass, causing his muscles to tighten exremely hard and then a shit flew out of his ass and hit her on the chin, making his ass bleed, and causing an awful smell. He had to like throw the sheets in the washing machine, ignoring the fact blood was running down his leg, get his clothes and get the fuck out. They broke up in the end.
    Last edited by Drool111; 12-17-2009 at 06:33.
    Achiever 53.33%, Explorer 46.67%, Killer 66.67%, Socializer 33.33%
    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffington View Post
    A perfect metaphor for Forumfall. We are all a dog wearing a birthday hat with a cupcake calling it a muffin..

  13. #13

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    Copypasta from /b/ does not make you cool.
    Quote Originally Posted by Squatch View Post
    The beatings will continue until morale improves.
    ~Dorn Divin
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  14. #14
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    to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it a story all about how my life got
    twisted upsidedown.
    Last edited by Makgyver; 12-17-2009 at 07:05.

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