yeah it's not too bad, quite an intriguing story i suppose. There were a few points where you seemed to hurry a long a bit too much, which i felt needed further explanation (not just the ants) and a few passages which i felt could do with a little more descriptive imagery.
But it wasn't bad. I also want to hear the story of the ice dude's father. He sounds nice.
too long; scrolled down to bottom to say too long; didn't read.
The beginning was too tedious with: He did this He did that
The point of creative writing is to be creative. You had some decent descriptions; just find different ways to start your sentences without being repetitive.
Honestly, I couldn't get past the second paragraph. Edit and resubmit.
Also the running to the shelter, how far was it? how long did it take him? what was this den? how was it made?
Also, in which direction did he run? personally i don't like to be kept in the dark with such matters. I like to get an idea of the world in which you are placing me
Also what else is missing that Turin was expecting to see?
Whoa there ... A lot of information to process in such a short passage. Who dies again?
We want to know what he saw inside his case. We need to know what his mother and father looked like, what was his father's badass armour look like?
Where did he make this funeral pyre? A bit more emotional connection between him and his parents. It is a little too much as if the generic parents death is just incidental, like a quick fix to move the plot along, but it doesn't really make us care about Turin or his parents, We need to feel connected, as if we want to get the bastards who did it as much as he does.
Aside from that, there are a few grammatical problems and a couple of places where you could do with some more colourful language (A few extra adjectives never hurt anyone) providing you are not just adding superfluous words for the sake of it. Try to make every word you write inform the reader, even if it's not related to the plot, people still like to feel connected to the world
Hope some of that was helpful anyway
Last edited by Honest Bill; 04-26-2009 at 21:35.
Thanks for that, I'll go over it. The solid object isn't meant to be identified, as he is immediately knocked unconscious. Also he gets to the river by crawling, but I'll embelish on it some more.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Yeah but i mean a quick ringing in his ears or something. Or else you could just ommit the solid object all together, since it's solidity is implied by his being knocked unconscious. I just thought it sounded odd that there is a solid object, yet we aren't told what it is, it may be unknown to him, but as a reader, I would want to know.
Well... I'm biased, I was never really a fan of these types of stories anyway... this... fantasy, if you will.
Turin = Lame Name. Just call him jesus and be done with it.
Also, try not to turn paragraphs into big huge "He did" and "He said" and "He 'verb'ed" fests. That stuff gets repetitive. Instead, use commas, dashes, and semicolons to stretch your thoughts out without reminding us constantly of who is performing said actions.
could be rewritten as:Originally Posted by Twistybundle
Turin notched his hand-crafted arrow to the bow-string and aimed with practiced eye at his target. The deer, oblivious to the danger, munched away at a sapling. The sight of the bow hovered over the deer, but only for a moment; the arrow is released and lands far off the mark, and yet a piercing scream is heard, chilling Turin to the bone. He looks around for the source of the noise, but can only see the deer bolting away, and the arrow lodged in the bark of a nearby tree.
tl;dr Tell me when the movie comes out