Haeso
12-31-2008, 07:37 AM
WARNING WARNING Within is contained satire on religion, it is meant as a joke, I really don't care what you believe in. If you can't handle it, go play in traffic. WARNING WARNING
I come before you all as His prophet, for I speak to Him personally, and he has given me 8 Commandments that we all should live by. He who is the creator of all, has told me that his love for us is unending, unquestionable and will always be there for his chosen creations even if they do not worship or believe in His Noodly Greatness. I ask you, does He not DESERVE your worship, are you too good to pay homage to Him? Arrogance in the face of His greatness is a great insult.
So I say unto you, will you not worship Him our creator and only true God? If not surely only hell awaits, where you shall receive only strippers with STDS and stale beer. And of course, we, His chosen faithful of His chosen race, will send you there sooner for we cannot abide your existence when you would deny what is irrefutable, what is the only true path in life.
If you do not accept his Noodliness you are an abomination unto us all, who would poison our beliefs, and worship the false god who you would have us believe lives above us in the clouds, what nonsense, why would a god live in clouds? I say again, if you will not convert and worship His greatness you are an insult to Him and we cannot allow it, we shall purge you from His world.
I present to you the 7 I'd really rather you Didn'ts that He spoke unto me.
1: I'd really rather you only act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's heresy. Really, I cannot accept it.
2: I'd really rather you only use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I require sacrifices, and purity is for people, not drinking water.
3: I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia. (Note from the Prophet, that's right, wenches are people too, show some respect)
4: I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5: I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others (Remember, our bigoted misogynistic and hateful ideas are okay, as His faithful we must purge the unclean from His world) on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
6: I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
1. Ending poverty
2. Curing diseases
3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
You might notice He has changed his mind on several things since the first Gospel, it is not our place to question why in His infinite wisdom he has changed His mind.
I'll be taking questions first, then baptising newborns in noodles and beer, followed by education about our history starting with the first Pastafarians.
I come before you all as His prophet, for I speak to Him personally, and he has given me 8 Commandments that we all should live by. He who is the creator of all, has told me that his love for us is unending, unquestionable and will always be there for his chosen creations even if they do not worship or believe in His Noodly Greatness. I ask you, does He not DESERVE your worship, are you too good to pay homage to Him? Arrogance in the face of His greatness is a great insult.
So I say unto you, will you not worship Him our creator and only true God? If not surely only hell awaits, where you shall receive only strippers with STDS and stale beer. And of course, we, His chosen faithful of His chosen race, will send you there sooner for we cannot abide your existence when you would deny what is irrefutable, what is the only true path in life.
If you do not accept his Noodliness you are an abomination unto us all, who would poison our beliefs, and worship the false god who you would have us believe lives above us in the clouds, what nonsense, why would a god live in clouds? I say again, if you will not convert and worship His greatness you are an insult to Him and we cannot allow it, we shall purge you from His world.
I present to you the 7 I'd really rather you Didn'ts that He spoke unto me.
1: I'd really rather you only act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's heresy. Really, I cannot accept it.
2: I'd really rather you only use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I require sacrifices, and purity is for people, not drinking water.
3: I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia. (Note from the Prophet, that's right, wenches are people too, show some respect)
4: I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5: I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others (Remember, our bigoted misogynistic and hateful ideas are okay, as His faithful we must purge the unclean from His world) on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
6: I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
1. Ending poverty
2. Curing diseases
3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
You might notice He has changed his mind on several things since the first Gospel, it is not our place to question why in His infinite wisdom he has changed His mind.
I'll be taking questions first, then baptising newborns in noodles and beer, followed by education about our history starting with the first Pastafarians.