Suitepees story-Farkdoll a newdope

[Dagger]

preamble: This is a story written by Suitepee in the days of a hope for beta 06.....................


(WARNING: Story contains sarcasm,stupidity and randomness. Not necessarily in that order. No refunds. If you were looking for an epic tale about how the great orc of Brandish-what-gummit defeated Human-blondehair-lightonhisarmor-thingy,then look elsewhere. Try your local bookshop. Or a hi-sci-fi convention.)

In a computer server far,far away (try Greece,that's pretty far).....

A random bunch of MMO developers,community staff and beta testers decided one random day to beta-release Darkfall. They were bored of hogging it all to themselves and playing San Andreas on their PS2's.

So on August 29th,there was a great disturbance in the for....ums. As if millions of fanboys were suddenly shocked in deep silence and then overjoyed.
Loads of inspiring elf cyber-stalkers,tough-talking orcs and generically boring "I'll play the humans and be a Paladin" types joined the beta. And somewhere amidst the crowd,erm,some random BKB people joined.

BKB had built a machine called 'The Death....',whoops copyright infringement calamity there. Sorry,I'll try to restart the story. Maybe. Give it 0.5 seconds and some butter.

Ok,BKB had built a device. Well,rather they used one already in existence. But they can always claim,by adding 'BKB' to it that it was theirs!
It was called 'Teamspeak: The Death Star (BKB! Ours! Haha!)'.
Or TS as they liked to call it. Using this device,they could annihiliate entire groups of online Darkfall chatrooms by using high-pitched techno and squeaky voices. And burping.
And Lord M.Lucas,in his all-black outfit led Teamspeak. By erm..pressing the Connect button every now and then. But it was a DEADLY Connect button,not just the average 7-worded meaning "I've connected to the server. I will proceed to throw tactics about chucking spears at mages,and if you fail me it's minus 500 DKP and a severe shouting." Of course Lord Lucas did that on the side. After all,he wouldn't tolerate poor aim. Or the Alfar. Bloody emos.

But as in every story,there has to be some sort of good person. After all,Lord Lucas musn't be allowed to spam Darkfall-related TS chatrooms,get banned from them and then whinge on the TS forums. Oh no,this is too much effort.
Instead,let's get some 'cookie cutter' hero to deal with Lord Lucas.

The hero was called Suitepee. This is because the author is an egomaniac,and likes talking about himself. System Of A Down are currently sueing him,but they don't do 'sniffers'. They do good albums instead.

Suitepee was a level 60 Mahirim rogue. I mean,he was...oh forget it,some kind of rouge. Rouges are overpowdered. Seriously look at that makeup! And he had dual weilding dggaers. I'ev lsot ues fo my grmmaar.

<fixed>

Anyway,Suitepee decided to confront Lord Lucas. By challenging him to a game of online Minesweeper. CPL style. 06. SourceTV at the ready. Punkbuster online. 2 spectators.

The tension built up. Jenga-style. Suitepee clicked a button. Lord Lucas clicked a button. Lord Carnage was out killing an elf somewhere. Lord Carnage owes me 500 gold pieces for his minor inclusion in this tale of epic rip-off proportions of pie. (I like pie!) Suddenly,BOOM!

Suitepee had clicked on a mine. Lord Lucas laughed and said; "Feel the power of the slightly-greyish dark side!" Suitepee cried and demanded a nerf of Minesweeper. Lord Lucas cried. But Suitepee had lost,although he got his 'nerfbat' request by a slightly drunk Brannoc one evening in October. Brannoc also owes me 500 gold pieces for....oh dang he's a mod. Well,he owes me mod powers! And a cheese sandwich.

The morale of the story is: If you read this the whole way through,why?

[Dagger]

(WARNING: This sequel to my story still contains sarcasm,stupidity and randomness. Not necessarily in that order. No refunds. If you were looking for an epic tale about how great orcs are and how they stopped some dune bugs 10,000 years ago. It never happened,ok? The dune bugs won. Now go away.)

After losing to Emperor Lucas,Suitepee got drunk. He had spent too much time in the local tavern drinking his misery away. Misery was now standing outside,waiting to come back in.

It wasn't looking likely. (DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMM!! Hey,who's doing that?)

As Suitepee downed his 10th Coca-Cola......I mean his 10th Dwarven Mead,there was a commotion outside. So Suitepee decided to go outside of 'Outside' and see what the fuss was all about. Turned out to be some ranting Mahirim. Suitepee only recalls the following from his memoirs,page 3. (they weren't very long and I'm sure they done under the influence of drugs. Or Diet Pepsi.)

"Thy noob was ranting about PK'ing,and sayeth he was 'gankeretehehehehed' by those nasty 'evles'. Other players toldeth him it was a PvP game,but thy noob spat at them (literallyethetheth) and said 'this game sucketh thy balls'. So he left."

Suitepee happened to catch his name. And after cursing the 'visible name' exploit,Suitepee came up with a plan.

(DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMMMMM! Ok,shut up you! I never authorised dramatic drum rolls)

Meanwhile,in Emperor Lucas' lair,Lucas had a problem. He hated the name of his clan; BKB,after someone had laughed at him and called it "Bull!!!!ting Kamikaze....Bulls!" in his lair. Although General I.M.Sneaky proved more than adequate in forum battling the 'name-caller' to a fiery and e-peen related death,Lucas still wasn't happy.
He felt a great disturbance in the nose. He swatted the fly. He gained 5 experience and a fly leg. (woot?)
Seriously,he felt a great disturbance in the force. As if millions of carebears had united under one person and joined Darkfall beta. But then Lucas laughed because carebears would be staying 500 nautical miles clear of Darkfall.

And that's when............Lord Carnage entered. Demanding that when Suitepee and his 'carebear' army arrived,he would duel Suitepee one on one. Lucas said "YOU'VE RUINED THE STORY,YOU TWIT!",but agreed.

Suitepee entered. Carebear army in tow,all whining about excessive PvP. Lord Carnage grabbed a marshmallow. Suitepee grabbed a Fruit Pastille. They chomped them down,very slowly. Who would swallow first? Why aren't they using weapons? What happened to pages 118-190 of this plot? Who cares?

Suddenly,everyone realised that this was very similiar to the last story's climax,so they picked up swords and began duelling to the death. To the death of the carebears! (yes,they all died suddenly. They were whining too much and I couldn't concentrate on the stupid plot. Duh! Duh duh?)

Suitepee stabbed Carnage in the lower right arm. Carnage did a quadruple somersault and died. (He got a 9.7 from the Grim Reaper later.)

Lucas paniced,but pressed the 'inevitable sequel' button. Which also happened to be the 'escape pod' button. Except it was more like an 'escape horse'. And he had been on it 5 minutes before the deadly duel began. The wuss.

Lucas laughed manically as the horse SLOWLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY moved away from Suitepee. Suitepee stood still,and when,AND ONLY when the horse was out of town did he scream:

"I will catch you! Someday!"

Then went back to writing his memoirs. Then quit at page 5,the wuss.

-Suitepee is not responsible for you reading this. Suitepee will not appear in court if I wasted 5 minutes of your time and you try to sue me for 'wasting time'. Lucas isn't really a wuss,and actually owns Suitepee. At arm-wrestling. Carnage isn't really dead; the swords were plastic and Carnage was an expert gymnast. Imsneaky does love forum battling,and plans to launch a series called "For-um-gi-oh" or something. All rights are wrong.

[Dagger]

(WARNING: This directors' scissor cut of the sequel to the sequel of my story absolutely still contains sarcasm,stupidity and randomness. Swords are pointy,axes are sharp,you look like a girl,I'll crush your heart!)

Emperor Lucas was tired. Having slowly escaped from that pest,Suitepee,he badly needed some kind of super weapon. You know,the kind that only 'evil people' know about. (Although he'd long cancelled his subscription to 'Evil Villains Monthly',or 'CoV' as we call it...)
Anyways,there was a knock on the door. After telling the Knock to buzz off,there was a super weapon at the door. And like most good super weapons,it was alive and kicking. Kicking Lucas,that is.
Ouch! Eeek! Ping-pong! Pwned! l0l!!!!
Anyways,Lucas decided to go to some crater somewhere and begin the Ultimate Death Sequence.

Meanwhile,Suitepee was tired. (sheesh,everyone is friggin tired. Let's change pace a bit!- The Director)

Meanwhile,Suitepee was pacing up and down like someone who paces up and down who is watching someone pace up and down. (too long,the audience are leaving the cinema. It's gone all Episode 2.......- The <Fired> Director)

Meanwhile,Suitepee was out on a walk,when by chance (look mom,no Name puns here!) he saw a sign in 10 foot neon writing saying:

"Ultimate Death Sequence is This Way! Step over the Line to Begin Countdown!"

The sky was blue,all looked peaceful. Suitepee stepped over the line. Now the sky was black,all looked chaotic. Amazing how fast that happens when there's a super weapon involved.

!!10 minutes remaining!!

After trying to step back over the line the other way (and wasting 5 seconds),Suitepee entered the crater.

Lucas was there. Laughing. At Suitepee. Suitepee got mad and turned into Hyper-Ken-CheapasF**k-5 Minute Long-DBZ-Ultra Suitepee....X!
Lucas turned into a Chicken and hid behind his secret weapon,which was:

DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMMMM!! (cameo from the sequel!)

Webco. :eek

The End! It's a Mickey-Taking Adventure.

-Are you still reading this?
Why are you reading this?
The colours are pretty.
Look into my font!
The font,not the colour!
Oh wait,there is no font.
BOW DOWN TO BKB,NOW!!!!!

Oh yeah,Webco blew up the Darkfall planet and Suitepee got a cameo in Farkdall 4- Why We're Re-Inventing A Prequel To Make More Money!

-Suitepee realises this episode sucks. The original was 5 seconds long but the Directors' (plural) decided to add more content than the first paragraph plus a giant picture of a duck in a swan suit. If you wish to view the original,go to http://theringhadoneweakness.ytmnd.com/# and ask for Mario!!!!!!
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